Musings: Making Magic

It was a slow news day. No press releases from Surfrider. No edicts from the anti-GMO crowd. No oceanic histrionics from Terry Lilley. 

No worries. The Garden Island's Jessica Else is a resourceful reporter. She's got ways to fill her story quota.

Which is how we ended up with a super scoop about a magic ball o'stuff that produces mana, chi, good vibrations.

And you thought mana was something you had to develop through right living and pono action, maybe even be born with it. 

Nope. You can whip it up at home. All you need is one cup of metal shavings — as in a shredded wire dish scrubber — a few drops of food coloring from the Easter egg kit, resin left over from your last surfboard patch and voila, you've got an instant electromagnetic radiation transformer.

Yeah, it picks up bad energy and converts it to good. Just like that. Gosh, who would've thunk a quick trip to Ace could completely transform your life AND the entire planet!

Shoots, no need worry about transmission towers, electric lines, wi-fi, cell phones, negative vibes, stink eye, even internet trolls. Heck, you can totally forget that monthly smart meter opt-out fee. Simply tuck one of these sparkly energy balls in your pocket and you are good to go.

Magic resin balls. Also available in "traditional" pyramid shapes.

So says Krisztina Samu. And she ought to know. Because there she is the newspaper, whipping up a batch of “orgonite” — it's actually a trademarked word — in her kitchen, spouting some gibberish she got off the internet. 

That makes her an expert, right? You'd best listen up.

“We’re living in a virtual soup of electromagnetic energy, microwaves, that kind of thing, with all of the devices and technology we have now,” she says.

You mean, in addition to that chemical soup the anti-GMO activists are always talking about? Truly, how do you tell them apart? And if it's virtual, does it actually count?

I'm sorry. No questions.  Just believe.

“It’s been an underground movement for many years,” Samu says.

Oh. No wonder it hasn't appeared on Natural News or Mercola.com. Unless there's been a Big Pharma-neighborhood dealer conspiracy to keep this miracle from the public. You know, so they can sell us more drugs.

Wait, I spoke too soon. Mercola did cover it: Outlawed: "Important Medical Discovery" ... But Why?

Why, indeed. Damn those dirty conspirators against good health. 

Still, you'll be reassured to know that orgonite will not interfere with the Himalayan salt lamp ionizers that Dr. Mercola sells. And you can take refuge in a chat group that gives you snappy comebacks to snarky comments like "there is no proof orgonite works." 

Samu goes on to tell us that orgonite is emerging from the underground, and “just now it’s picking up speed again. There are people gifting the Earth with orgonite everywhere.”

As in thoughtfully tucking these little balls of toxic opala around cell towers and power poles. Lucky Earth.  

Or even tossing these waterproof nuggets of positivity into the sea, so that dolphins — and aging fans of the Beach Boys — can enjoy good vibrations, too.

Dolphins high on orgonite.

Surely we can crowd-fund the cash to buy enough of these balls from Samu to save us from the island-wide, round-the-clock Navy radar bombardment that Lilley claims is killing the reef.  

Hey, I've got a better idea. Get Earthjustice to sue. Make the Navy pay. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Wow. Just when I was beginning to despair about the demise of science, the lack of critical thinking, the gullibility of the masses, the craven nature of humanity.

How comforting to have Krisztina Samu reassure us that making the world a better place is as simple as scammin'. What a great new concept!

I see a whole new cottage industry arising. Come up with a catchy name, something that includes paradise, and the tourists will be snapping them up like cheap mangoes at the market. Just think. If every visitor takes one home, why, this is Kauai's chance to serve as a model for the planet!

Thank you, Jessica — and editor Bill Buley — for providing Kauai residents with this fabulously informative scoop.

Gotta go. I can't wait to make me some of that shit.